What happened next is hard to communicate because I can’t seem to find the words in the English language to adequately describe and convey the overwhelming feelings I felt. But I’ll try my best. Suddenly I saw a pinpoint of light in the left hand corner of my room. I was so surprised, so amazed! ‘It wasn’t there a second ago!’ I remember I said to myself. ‘What is that?!’ Then I felt a pull upwards, a release, and I knew my physical body had remained on the bed below me. As soon as I had acknowledged the light, I was in it. I can’t even tell you in language, the colours that I saw. Reds, greens, purples and blues that I had never seen before. The colours themselves were alive. They were all around me, as if I were in a wormhole of sorts. I felt a tunnel-like presence around me, and the swirling of colours and lights was amazing. ‘Amazing’ doesn’t even describe it, but there are no other words I can use. ‘Life-alerting’ – yes that probably works here. It was just that. I was being pulled upwards and outwards all at the same time. I retained the ability to think, just as I usually did, and I was still talking to myself. I didn’t see my hands or feet, I just felt like I was a being of pulsating energy, sliding around. The feeling would be similar to being on a water slide, but sliding up instead of sliding down.
And there, to my left on a screen, was my life. I could see it! Me! I saw and felt all of my choices in this lifetime. There was absolutely NO judgment attached to it. None. I wasn’t judging my life, I was simply seeing it. To the right it was dark, dim. I ‘felt’ like the right side was reserved for when I actually did physically die. I would be privy to it then. It contained all the possibilities of all the angles of all the decisions I had made, played out in different realms. As if, let’s say, I had decided not to get married when I did. What my life would have been – and it actually was played out, but not in a physical way. It was still acted out. It was all the ‘probables’ in life. I asked, in thought, or feeling, not with my voice, why I was here. A voice told me that it was because I had asked to be there. I knew this voice. It was comforting and familiar, and yet I knew it was ‘God’. How was that possible?
I immediately questioned the voice about its being female. I had always envisioned ‘God’ to be male. I had expected to be greeted in a male voice! I was shocked to hear/feel that I had chosen this voice, because… it was MINE! It was MY voice! I suddenly knew that I was part of the universe! I was not separate! I was not some being, cast into a world and separate from what I call universal consciousness (what I believe others call God), I was part of it! I knew right then and there, we are all a part of this life force. It was all-encompassing, all around me. I felt as if I were a balloon, being given air, expanding and then contracting. I was free, and yet I was connected to this voice. This voice was a layer – a layer of a billion other souls speaking. I can’t describe it. I knew I was not alone there. I actually felt and saw a billion souls of light behind a hazy, almost curtain-like substance in front of me. I was delirious with the feelings of love and hope. I could feel every other soul’s compassion and love for me. It was the most overwhelming, most extraordinary thing.
I heard the thoughts of everyone, and yet it wasn’t craziness, like voices in one’s head – it was all thoughts, and it all made sense. I knew the images that I wasn’t able to see on the right were also of all the lives I was living, all at the same time! This was completely foreign to me, as I had always believed in reincarnation and ‘past’ lives, not simultaneous lives. I didn’t even know it was a possibility. I now knew it was. Why would we live lives all at once? Wasn’t the purpose to evolve through each life and to live and learn and do better the next go-around? Evidently, not really. I got the distinct impression we were living lives to raise consciousness. By raising the vibration around us, we changed the earth; we changed the experience of life.
I felt so safe, so complete. It was apparent how fractured I had felt before. How separate I had felt. Even though I had always known we were connected as people, I didn’t know we were all the SAME. We all have the same knowledge within us. I went forward to the end of the corridor towards the haziness and beautiful lights. I noticed an old boyfriend of mine – he was holding flowers of pink and white. He moved from the outside of the corridor towards me. I felt his love, and I was baffled as to why he was even there. I didn’t know he had passed away some years earlier. I had no idea. I had often thought about him, and missed him, a teenage love I hadn’t seen in years. I thanked him for being there. I turned to the right and saw my then father-in-law’s mother. She had her arms extended towards me. I hadn’t know her in ‘real’ life that well before she had passed away. She looked like she had when she passed. White hair, pretty smile. I asked her why did she still look so old? (There’s me questioning again!) She then changed to a beautiful young girl. She told me her form was dependent on her own will. She could be anything and everything. I thanked her for being there also, but asked why my own grandfather wasn’t there. She stated he was very busy, but he was always there, always around me, as we are all part of the same energy source.
I was handed an orange crayon. Yes, a crayon. I was told I needed to let go of all my fears. I was instructed to write them in the air. I did. I started writing these exact words: ‘fear, lost loves, frustration, hate, unworthiness.’ All of my hurtful feelings towards others and myself. I was told to release them. As I wrote, the top of the list dissipated. Like a scroll of some kind. I felt incredible. I felt like I was perfect, like everything was as it should be. Every piece of the puzzle was in place. I was aware of things on the outlying edges of my own consciousness. Like, all I had to do was focus on them, as they were already there – I just allow them into my sight. Everything I could ever want, was available. I just had to let it in. See it. Kind of like when you lose something. You go back, look, and look in the same places. Suddenly, the tenth time you open the drawer, you see it there! It wasn’t magically put there, it was there the entire time, you just didn’t see it! Now, I saw it! It was the law of manifestation right in front of me. How everything is there, I just have to let it come forward. If I got rid of all this fear, and all the feelings it created, I could effortlessly let it roll into my line of vision. It was already mine, I just needed to see it.
I wanted to retain that feeling of overwhelming love and jubilation mixed with the “I just won the hundred-million dollar lottery” excitement, all rolled into one big feeling. I still feel it, but it is in the confines of my body and mind. It seems so much more diminished when I put it into words. Words seem more like boundaries that prevent me from expressing my feelings more than they help me capture those feelings, if that make any sense.
After my experience, I felt so much more connected to everyone and everything around me – from the dining room table to the neighbour next door. It was a very strange feeling. I accept it as normal now and just accept it as such. We are all energy, connected at the source. Like a spider with eight billion legs – I am one of those legs and so are you.